On July 16th, 2007 I went through with one of the hardest decisions I've had to make so far in my life and I'm not sure where to begin with this particular update. it has certainly been one Hell of a long roller coaster, with its shares of ups and downs though I seem to be on a never ending downward spiral right now.

Bill seemed to have forgotten about my bouts of depression because he handled this last one far differently than he did before. He used to be there, even when I tried pushing him away he would still be there. I told him in the beginning that was all I needed and so that's what he did and it helped. But I can't remind him when it happens again because my brain doesn't want to function. So the last time, he distanced himself from me and so I distanced myself from him even further. Alan knew what was going on and I suppose maybe it clicked with him because he's seen it several times.

Sometimes I regret the decision I made to leave and wish that I could take it back but it just reminds me of where I'd be if it were possible. I was unhappy. I lost the will to do anything and everything. I didn't want to be stuck working part-time jobs the rest of my life...or even the full-time jobs they have available, one of which I have right now. I wanted...WANT...to do something that makes me happy and that is my art. Animation was my dream and I was giving up the chance for one person. Well he was worth it to me at first because I WAS happy. I was happy enough that I didn't even think about it that much.

Then the depression hit again and it was getting so bad that I feared I was returning back to the years I was officially diagnosed and I never wanted to experience that again. So if anything is to blame for what happened, it was my chemical imbalance. I assumed the wrong things, I handled things poorly (because I can't help it) but so did he. I believed he didn't love me or care about me anymore and sometimes I wish I never knew the truth because it hurts to much to know that I hurt him. What person in their right mind would put up with their girlfriend/boyfriend's depression for over a YEAR if they didn't love them? But of course I couldn't see that because I was so scatterbrained I couldn't think straight at all.

I don't know what to think anymore. Not that it really matters because he's moved on and I haven't. I can't.

...was made of fail. But part of it turned out to be a good thing. I went out of town with my sister to a city called Sioux City which is on the Missouri River (and about an hour's drive from where I live). Everything (almost) that I wanted to go there for I didn't get. Because they didn't HAVE it.

My list consisted of Blue Wilderness (high protein, low carb) dog food because my Innova EVO (grainless) hadn't come yet and I was going to be out after Sunday, Pro Plan for Hershey cause the EVO doesn't work out for him (he has diarrhea), graphics card for the computer and a guide for Pokemon Diamond.

First stop was Petsmart and I really wasn't expecting the Blue Wilderness to be there for the sole fact they've been out every other time I had gone there to get it. Well they actually had it this time so I bought the smallest bag possible and also a bag of the Pro Plan for sensitive skin and stomach because Hershey does pretty well on it (has no corn which he has a reaction to and he also can't have anything with lamb in it). My sister and two nieces went to Gordman's while I was there, to go clothes shopping for school which is why they came along.

Then it was off to Michael's because Pennie (sister) wanted cake decorating stuff so I went off to get some more Micron pens because they don't really last that long and I also got a Prismacolor colorless blender 'cause I can never have too many of those. I also got a how-to book on drawing dragons because I absolutely suck at dragons. I wasn't even thinking about art supplies when we came here so this doesn't count ;P

Then Best Buy. Didn't have a single card I could get for my computer, or so I thought. Every card there had a minimum 300w power supply or higher requirement and I had thought mine was 250w because that's what I gathered from the website on its specifications. According to one of my gamer friends, it actually IS 300 but he found me a card for $44 off newegg.com so he saved me a lot of money considering the cheapest card at Best Buy was $99. So I also bought a 1GB memory card, total cost including shipping turned out to be $78 and they will be arriving here tomorrow.

After that we were off to the mall. Ate then stopped at Software Etc. to get my guide which they didn't have (and I didn't think to look at Best Buy and I bet there was one there). More kiddie shopping at JCPenney then went to Victoria's Secret where I bought a bra. Then I went to Hot Topic and got a few things there...a HIM shirt with the heartagram (that I'm making sure my grandmother never sees), red eyeshadow that I can't find locally, a spiked collar (yes, a spiked collar) and a studded wristband. I am slowly on my way to looking the stereotypical Goth...mwahahaha. I am reluctant to give up the blue jeans which I may never do so I'll make up my own subgenre of Goth: the blue jean Goth *snicker* Okay, so maybe when I get down to my ideal weight I'll try out black pants and skirts and such but for now we're sticking with the denim.

Let's see, what else. Oh well we went to Barnes & Noble and I almost bought a couple books. One was the complete works of Edgar Allen Poe and the other was Grimm's fairy tales but I decided not to at this time since they'd just be sitting around. I have other stuff to read first and I'm sure they'll be there for quite awhile. Found the art section (that I was kinda looking for) near the checkout isle when my sister was checking out so I didn't hang around there for long. Shoulda bought a couple how-tos on Manga/Anime but I didn't. I will next time OR I will order online but with books, I kind of like to look through them first before I decide to buy unless it's a book I definitely want.

So that was my "fun-filled" Sunday. And now it's time for bed and PLEASE PLEASE can I not dream about Bill again? I hate it and I don't know why I'm doing it. I can has different dream?

Got the computer yesterday and took the case off this morning thinking I could put my graphics card in it but there was one thing which didn't cross my mind. Most, if not all, computers nowadays are manufactured with PCI-Express slots. My HP is old enough that it has the older version (VGA?) so of course that mean I cannot put it in and the stupid computer has an Intel chip that is completely incompatible with Horizons (the game I needed a computer with XP for). So I guess what that means is I'm going to go to Best Buy tomorrow when I go out of town with my sister and get a new card. The memory in the HP is also not compatible but I think I can live with 1GB for now, although there is a 1GB memory card of the kind I need at Best Buy for 30 bucks. The graphics card will cost 80. My DVD-RW drive will fit, I just got to figure out how I got the stupid thing in there in the first place so I can take it back out.

WoW has been installing all day, makes me wish I bought the retail version so I don't have to wait for it to finish. It's still got a bit over an hour to go (it fluctuates between 70 some minutes and two hours so who knows how long it will really be) then I get to install the expansion (which I DO have discs for) then install the patches...yay me! /sarcasm

THEN I get to do the same thing all over again with Horizons. I'm sure there's an easier way to do this but obviously I'm not computer savvy enough to know how. But hey...I can probably put together a whole computer from scratch by now.

If everything went according to plan, I would have been in NYC as of last month (two months ago?) but things got in the way. However, I am bound and determined to get there...so much so that I'm working out a budget. Thankfully, due to living with my grandmother and mother, I don't have many bills to pay. I just have a problem with spending which I have got to get under control before I move otherwise I'm going to be homeless and starving to death in New York. I've got my expenses written down but I can't write out my budget yet because my paycheck is about to change. My medical insurance kicks in on the 1st so I don't know how much my check is going to be after that. I will just have to wait and see but I think I can make the move by the end of this year provided I don't fuck up. It would be nice to fly out and scope the place out before I move but I'm not sure that's going to happen.

I got awoken to a siren this evening, indicating that a tornado had been spotted. Not once since I have lived in this town (which is nearly all of the 30 years I have existed) have I ever heard the siren other than when they test it (which was every day and I used to live right across the street from it so it was damned annoying when you are trying to sleep).

Normally I should have been up by then but I got such crappy sleep I went back to bed after the warning was over and woke up at 10. Now I have to go to work...everything's fine here :)

cause I apparently don't know how to go to bed when I should be....


I'm the one on the right...


Me on the right again :)


That be me....


I'm the one that's all WTF?

Yeah they suck...so what? I'm dead tired so there :P I'm totally going to bed after this song...seriously.

My present to myself ^^ It was cheap, I got it off eBay for just under $40 (including shipping)...brand new. Came with a guitar strap, soft case (will probably get a hard one), pipe tuner, picks, some extra strings (steel) and I got a PDF file by e-mail "Lean How to Play Guitar" by Stefan Schyga. Figured I'd get an el cheapo guitar while I'm learning and maybe upgrade later...this one does sound nice by the way. I suppose I'll decide as I'm learning whether I'll use a pick or not.

Story behind buying this guitar was that I had wanted to learn since the 90s, originally electric guitar but I switched to acoustic when my brain decided it wanted to actually do this. Apparently my brain wants me to do a lot of things I've wanted to do for a long time now.

I seriously need to go get some sleep...WoW had never zapped this much time from me before...yay for Outland I guess, lol

1. Reply to this post and I'll assign you a letter.

2. List (and upload, if you feel like it) 5 songs that start with that letter.

3. Post them to your journal with these instructions.

I gots an H

1. Hell In a Handbasket by Voltaire (of course mwahahaha)

(he looks like he's insane in this video...oh wait...)

2. Hangin' Tough by New Kids on the Block

(yes I'm stuck on them right now lol)

3. Helen by The Crüxshadows

(one of my favorite songs)

4. House of Wolves by My Chemical Romance

(video sucks but oh well)

5. Hero of the Day by Metallica

Take the Quiz

I can live with that.

I am tired but I just took a shower so, even though I still DO feel tired, I'm not going to be able to sleep. It's 10 o'clock and I have to leave town at 3:30...wonderful. Going to my mom's friend's son's graduation open house thing (didja understand that? lol), at least Mom's driving then I can pass out in the car.

I told her I wanted to go to Wal-Mart over the weekend and since I remembered this I don't really wanna tell her why I want to go. I want to get Pokemon Diamond and she thinks those games are expensive. Well I do too but I want that game dammit! I can't finish Crystal because I can't find the adapter for the SP so I won't be able to recharge it and the fucking thing won't fit in the DS (which I think I bitched about before) and I confirmed with my sister that they should because she plays Game Boy games in it (my nieces both have one). WHY NOT CRYSTAL?! Stupid SOB. Well anyway, I should just tell her anyway because I've wanted a DS for so long and I finally got one for my birthday 3 weeks ago and haven't even played it yet...mostly because I don't remember where I put my Advance games when I packed.

Ugh...

So my mom comes downstairs Saturday morning after I got off work while I was playing WoW. She took a shower then came over and sat on the couch (which she never really does) so I knew she was going to tell me something but I was also in a bad spot in the game so it's kinda hard to give her my undivided attention especially since I couldn't get to a safe spot right away.

Anyway she starts off by saying stuff like don't freak out, it's not as bad as it sounds...stuff like that you know and really the only thing I can think of at that point is that grandma is bitching about me not cleaning up the basement which okay fine, but I don't know where to put all my shit...but no. That's not it.

She went to Sioux City Friday (which is 60 miles away and is the closest "big" city around here) with my aunt for shopping and whatnot. She didn't want to tell me the truth about why she was really going since I had to work and I can understand that. That wasn't the main reason she went...she had had a biopsy done on a small lump they had found and I was like "It's malignant isn't it?" and she said yes. But then she was saying that it's really small and she's going to be fine. She has another though and she won't get the results until Monday or Tuesday, that one is bigger.

I don't know what to think. I'm staying positive and I just don't want to think about it because I'm overemotional. So as it stands, the only thought I've been processing is that she is going to be just fine and I have nothing to worry about.

Happy Mothers' Day :\

( Birthday )

The milestone is today I have reached the third decade of my life. This song really hit home the first time I heard it last year and I think might be responsible for what I did. Not that I blame The Crüxshadows or anything, I see it as giving me that kick in the ass to get my mind made up. So I thank them...I thank Rogue...for writing this song.

Celebrated with the family Sunday, my sister made me a Smurf cake:

Mom's birthday was Monday so we celebrated hers too, I'll upload her cake later...I don't have much time before I have to go to work. My dad got me a Nintendo DS, a cobalt blue one which is nice and purty.

Anyhoo, I was going to make today my first video blog but it didn't work out so I'll do it later. Maybe Saturday or something...before I get home from celebrating preferably or it will be a drunken vlog hehe.

( Unbelievable )

Seriously, can't the people who support this group see that there is something completely and utterly WRONG with this entire thing? Those kill numbers are NOT FUCKING NORMAL!!!! And isn't it just a bit shady that VDACS doesn't publish those numbers for months after they are supposed to be on there?

For the love of all that is good, if you support an animal terrorist group such as PETA (I am dead serious on the terrorist bit), please rethink what you're doing. Especially if you are giving money to them. You aren't giving them money for the greater good of the animals, you are giving them money to help them attempt to strip away our very right to...well...everything that involves animals, including having pets. That's right...one "hidden" agenda of theirs is to end having pets of ANY kind...including cats and dogs. It's a campaign flier of theirs and I found it years ago, it sickened me to read the entire thing. It's a bit harder to find nowadays, so hard in fact that I can't find it again. Well I think I found it but they edited it so it looks different now and is cleverly disguised as something innocent. However, it doesn't take a genius to read between the lines. I will post later, along with picking apart other articles of theirs that I find ridiculous...oh yes, they do have some more.

But not going to do it now 'cause I have better things to do at the moment.

I found this video while making my crack list. The person who posted the video labeled it wrong :P Should be Apocalyptica featuring Ville Valo and Lauri Ylönen. I have heard of Apocalyptica before because they have done a mess of Metallica songs and I never did get the album (or albums if they made more than one).



And now I'm very intrigued by The Rasmus because I really like Lauri's voice so I think I will be watching more Youtube videos when I get home from work in the morning. Which will mean more music for my Zune.

I should have been in bed 2 and a half hours ago. Was writing the first chapter of my book which I promised would be posted "soon" *snerk* but then got distracted by several things so yeah...it's not done. Instead of trying to finish it which may take me hours depending on what ELSE I can find to distract me (I swear I have ADD) I'ma gonna go to bed and hope I can get up at a decent time which roughly translates into BEFORE I HAVE TO GO TO WORK!

And maybe this post was entirely just to show off the new icon I made...seemed fitting to make one since my new greeting/whatever is now usually always Rawr.

Anyhoo, off to bed I go.

I stopped at the grocery store after work Saturday morning...well first I went over to Matt's to pick up his Windows XP disk so I can try dual booting XP and Vista on this thing so I can play Horizons so it was after that ;)

Anyway, printed on the back of the receipts are coupons that local businesses offer and one was from The Tire Center for an oil change. Lube, oil and filter for 19.99. And they were open on Saturdays so I call at around 9:30 and made an appointment for 10:30. My car was way way over schedule for an oil change.

Anyhoo I bring it up there and they have this really nice waiting room. He comes in after about 10 minutes I think, maybe less and says that I need a new muffler. I told him I know this but it's not on my immediate to-do list. It's been a POS for quite awhile, I think it will last a bit longer. But then he also says I need three new tires because the treading is like...nonexistant. One tire he said maybe had at the most 200 miles left on it before it blew so I'm all >.< He left to get a price and I'm just dreading the results. He comes back and says that he has one tire that is the same as the one good one I have and is $75. The other two are will cost about 60 something (I don't remember exactly what he said and the receipt is in the car so I'm not going to look it up right now...not that it really matters. The muffler is downtown and will cost like 125 or something like that. I told him I can't afford to have it all done at the same time (I really couldn't because of the need to get a new computer last weekend) but he said that I could pay him whatever I could that day and give him the rest next week which I can do so I said might as well get it all done then.

Called Mom up to come get me since he said it would take about an hour or so. I forgot to tell the mechanic I was leaving for a bit so we went to the garage door (it was open) to get his attention and I saw the muffler. I knew it was bad but wow, it was worse than I thought. He also showed us the one tire and I can't believe I never noticed how bad that tire was.

Well a $20 oil change turned into $376. Paid him $200 and said I'd pay him the rest next Saturday. Oh well, at least I got the muffler out of the way now too. My car is quiet now :D

Almost forgot. Dual booting was unsuccessful for some reason but I'm going to try it again with someone else's disk because Matt's requires you to activate it otherwise after 30 days will be unusable. I think it's because it's from the manufacturer of the computer which is Gateway. So it's either a Gateway thing OR the others would do that too. Idk and don't care so I guess I gotta see if someone else has a disk I can use.

which is really fucking scary. Or creepy...or whatever word she wants to use for me this time ;) You know I still love you.

I just laid in bed for the past 45 minutes, thinking about everything and anything all at once and ended up crying about more than one thing at the same time...my mind is one fucked up puzzle right now and I wish that I could put all the pieces together but it ain't going to happen.

I seriously need to talk to a union dude because I think I'm going to have to go to the doctor and get a leave of absence from work...yes it is going to get that bad and it's not so much about the Bill thing which is still partially why I feel like shit.

The part I will have to get a leave from work for has to do with my dog. He is withering away before my very eyes. He is thirteen years old which is old for a Doberman considering their average lifespan is nine. It is time to say goodbye and it scares me because I feel like I'm going to lose a part of my heart...it will leave a very LARGE hole that I'm afraid will never be healed. Not every human being can understand a person's love for their pets but if you can understand a parents' love for their child and how THEY would feel if their child died...then yes that is EXACTLY how it feels. My pets are not property, they are my FAMILY. They are what keep me on this godforsaken Earth. If it wasn't for Hershey I may not even be alive. I'm serious. I don't want to know what it's going to be like after he's gone.

Thing is, my 90 days aren't up yet so I don't know what's going to happen if I get a leave now. Will they have a right to let me go? I'm thinking not but I also don't want to take any chances. I can't lose this job but I also can't let him suffer because of my own selfishness.

And I have no one to talk to in person which I think is something I need.

Went to Best Buy on Saturday and got me a new laptop because my computer has turned into a piece of crap. So why a laptop? Because the one I had before is also a piece of crap and well, they're portable :D Besides, I can hook a monitor up to this one if I ever want to so it works for me.

It's an HP Best Buy exclusive, special edition thingamajig. 250GB hard drive, 3GB RAM (which I may upgrade to 4 someday), built in webcam/microphone, spiffy controls and stuff and even a remote control. It was on sale for $749 so all together (also got a USB mouse for it) cost me $818 so was okay. However, it doesn't seem like I have all that RAM BECAUSE Vista is craptastic. I'm trying to dual boot XP on it because I heard that Microsoft doesn't allow you to "downgrade" without running into problems because, especially for Vista, some files cannot be erased. Fun fun. I can't find my XP disk and tried using Mom's because it's Professional but it must have gotten corrupted because it gets stuck. So I guess that means I either have to find my disk or borrow one from somebody. I absolutely MUST have XP because Horizons doesn't work with Vista for some reason and the devs can't figure out how to fix it.

I'm tempted to get a computer I saw too that was $549 but that will set me back even more and I'll never get my ass out of Iowa and into NYC so perhaps I shall just wait.

The aforementioned...about trying to set up dual booting...is the reason why I wasn't around last night so sorry. If I had known I would have problems with my mom's disk I would have been available.

Sara I'm making you an icon...well possibly three. I want to do a ROAR type icon because of the name of the journal you made and I found two or three pics and I can't decide on which one to go with so I'm making them all...at some point...when I have time...